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A slow fade to grey.
in_spiral
Life is renewed. Confusing, this concept.
I had accepted death.
Now I live. And I have to accept it.
After the surgery I had spent too much time under the cozy blanket of my medication. Too much time in neverland.
Now it all seems so frail and pointless.
Regardless of the status of things, I am judged as one that covets the excuse above all else.
Believed to be a liar, by even those in my circle of what once was love.
There's a four letter word for you.
Love me and leave. In any form of the words.
I'm used to it.
Its not like I haven't been on my own in all this.
Short of the kindness of Steve and Summer.
Thanks, btw, to my only fans.
Days grow longer while my understanding of this bitter cavalcade of erroneous comedy and tragedy unfolds into deeper stories and confusion.
Life was. Now it wasn't.
I took a leap into the world of narcotics and fell deeper still.
Rock bottom.
Flat on my face.
What happened to me?
When did this grey become my life, my heart?
Failure, perhaps.
In life and in my persuit to assist. And love.
All that was desired was a hand to hold. The embrace that comforts to the core on those dreary nights I lay awake and alone, serenading myself to sleep with the sound of my weakening breath.
All I wanted was to help you.
It seems I had only made it worse on me.
Nevertheless, I'm sorry I wasn't there anymore.
I'm sorry I am me.
Sorry I couldn't give everyone that piece of light I was required of.
Guess I'll just keep driving the nails.

feelings
in_spiral
a new war has begun.
he will not take me this time.
i am over this.
over.
no more hurting others.
he is finished.
i am finished.
this is all over.
there will be blood.
sweat.
tears.
mine.
little bunny fu fu has gone hjopping through the forest with a fistfull of grenade.
i hope you're ready, dandy man.
i'm coming for you.

its a bloody mess in there. care to take a peek?
in_spiral
the war is over.
no more guilt.
no more denying myself the things that i want.
both sides are over it.
hand shakes.
signed treaties.
new hope.
life is... not as big a pile of shit as it used to be.
it feels good to let myself go. for real this time.
emotions are a mess.
working on cleaning it up.
sorting through the bodies.
finding survivors.
i want.
i feel,
but i dont hate myself for it anymore.
things seem to be turning around, kinda.
lets hope it stays that way, no?

bfdsajkl hfsdjkal dfsjia
in_spiral
thats how i feel today.
i am oppressed.
i am in chains. mostly my own.
i want to break free, but i cant seem to make myself.
i dont want to die unhappy.
i want to feel real. for real real.
i dont want to be this fantasy character of constant torment.
im tired of hating myself for the things i did.
i want to forgive.
i want out.
they make me crazy.
i feel a breakdown on the horizon.
but i can feel a new sunrise as well.
fuck me.

everyday is like a series of heart attacks
in_spiral
well, not everyday, but most of them. like now, for instance. i have a terrible feeling of dread. why?
because i cant have what i want. because i havent had it in so long.
not that its anything specific.
just something that i want.
cofort...
closeness...
a warm body that doesnt judge, to sleep next to...
the feeling of love, the way i remember it to be.real love, not the kind you stay with for over two years, only cause you think you cant get anywhere better than where you are, like you dont deserve what you want, cause without that person in your life, everyone, but two or three will think you're scum...
too many things went wrong.
so many things got left behind.
i got left behind.
or maybe i was born too soon...
at any rate, change is necessary, and i am tired of nt having the wearwithal to force it into motion.
i am afraid that someday soon, im going to break.
a storm the likes of which have never been seen before shall descend upon this little big town, and bring them the fear that they have made me feel everyday for a decade.
sweet justice.
but no.
i must maintain control.
that person can exist no longer.
i guess i'll just settle for suffering.
sigh.

like an empty bottle.
in_spiral
i feel little.
its warm in there, but its still nothing-like.
i dont know what to do.
so much fear.
for others. i dont really care about me that much anymore. whats the use?
i want her to feel better.
i want HEr to stop treating me like garbage.
i want things to, but i dont want some things anyore.
i dont know what.
i dont even know who i am anymore.
im tired.
i feel useless.
like some house itch, slapped to the floor by the words of a selfish and spiteful lover.
i hate my life sometimes.
but i cant help but love it just the same.
i am confused.
fuck my life.

fml
in_spiral
where in the book of man does it say,"treat him as you like. if he breaks, he'll only be that much more submissive."? i cant stand the way i am looked at by those eyes. those judging eyes. am i a pet, or a person? love, or comfort? there is a difference.
i can hardly take this day to day routine of indifference and anger. the lack of respect, even after all this time, these years, is enough to make me want to jump from the nearest bridge.
i hate the way this makes me feel. the way YOU make me feel. it burns in my veins.
it blinds me.
the nerves are so shot from your constant pressure that they can hardly feel any sensation at all.
stress has caused me to be surprised by my own hands at times.
nothing but pins and needles.
and pain.
what a way to live my could be remaining days in this world.
quality of life..
what a joke.